Ever ask, “Am I the only one who sees this”?

I drove home from an acting gig this past year, like Carrie walked home from Prom – desperately needing to wash it all off of me. It took me awhile to figure out why. No, I didn’t set anything on fire, and I sincerely enjoyed the work. but the plainest I could tell was that even in the so called “grown-up world”, high school cliques still exist.

Artist’s rendering of Carrie walking home from prom.

 
In every YA book, there’s the kid who doesn’t fit in, but ultimately becomes the hero of the story. I’ve decided that I’m that kid. But then again, I make up stuff for a living.
 
Most of the industry was shut down last year, because many producers couldn’t afford to implement the new COVID safety protocols. The few that could afford it, implemented regular COVID testing, special food handling, hourly sanitizing, extra personnel, zoning, etc. It was tough, but when they got it right, it was impressive. They knew that any missteps could have serious consequences. So when this particular production refused to check any cast or crew member’s COVID test results, I was speechless. They insisted that “HIPAA law states they cannot see anyone’s test results”. In my head, I was like….yeah…no, that’s not how it works. I then asked playfully, “Well…would you like to know if I tested negative?” They looked me straight in the eye and all super-serious-like said: “We assume that responsible people would not show up on set if they tested positive!” Wowza, they just told me that their safety standards were based on…assumption!
 
Only three of us consistently wore face masks. It was about 50/50 for everyone else. The day they added fourteen (untested) extras on set, I had to walk out. No drama, I just laughed at the absurdity of it all, and waited outside until they were ready to roll. The COVID Compliance Officer (CCO) apologized profusely, but I could feel I was becoming a “problem” for them.
 
According to safety protocols, I was due for a re-test along with two other actors. In the clinic, I pointed out that we were about to be administered the wrong COVID test. (Why am I the only one who actually reads stuff before signing it?) One actor agreed with me, while the other remained silent. Our CCO spoke to the nurse to see if she could give us the proper test, and she said yes. The three of us went in for our “swab up the nose” only to find out minutes later, that production did the old bait & switch – they gave us the rapid, cheaper test after all. Oh, and they still didn’t want to know our results. I just laughed and laughed.
 
But I felt alone. Stupid and alone. No one else asked questions. No one else seemed to care. Some of you may be asking, Why didn’t you call the union? Why didn’t you just walk away? The best I can come up with is this: I got a strong sense that this was a defensive bunch who would double down on how right they were, I felt a bit trapped being on location, out of state, and quite frankly, I was stunned. I also know the importance of “playing well with others”, so I never pointed fingers, I never got super serious, and I never pushed the issue. I honestly didn’t know if they were arrogant a-holes or just plain stupid? I did know, however, that I was turning into that hall monitor no one likes.
 
So when I was finally wrapped – cut a day early – I felt like a social leper. I hadn’t discovered their nightly bar visits until four days in, because dummy me was going straight to her room every night to be safe. The one night I did join them for a quick beer, it was only the sound guy and me who wore masks. They memorialized a karaoke night a few nights later in an email. Hmmm…. everyone sharing mics and singing/shouting between swigs of alcohol – Thank you for not inviting me. Seriously, thank you.
 
My drive home was…freeing. I could breathe again. I wasn’t being judged for asking questions or wearing a mask. I was giddy to the fact that I wasn’t in their high school drama anymore, and the mean girls – I felt the most disparagement from the women – were just girls.
 
It is usually that kid who is comfortable in their own skin, that kid who marches to the beat of their own drum, who ends up being the hero. So when you happen to be the “only one” who sees something out of place, relax in knowing that the truth always come out.

Hermione Granger reads a book.

P.S.: The union was called and they took swift action.

Man Plans, God Laughs.

“Well, given the current situation we can’t plan anything anymore!” How often have you heard that these days? We can’t seem to move forward unless we have a set of givens. For the first time ever, we’re experiencing our lives with no certainty and no predictability.
 
Or are we?
 
This pandemic has reminded us that life isn’t predictable. Turns out, the only things we ever planned for were the things we were pretty sure about. Now that the important things are coming to the forefront, we see the true nature of life… is unpredictable.
Man planning with markers on wall.
Let’s look at goals and plans. The first is a vision, an aspiration, or a great desire, while the second is a “how to” strategy. Plans, while helpful in some areas (construction, engineering, creating systems), are completely useless when it comes to a vision. Once we know where we want to be or what we want to do/have, we can choose to either be open to infinite possibilities, or we can stick to one, rigid plan. Take notice of how many times something wonderful happened when we barely lifted a finger. When I decided to move to L.A. 22 years ago, I had no plan. When I arrived, I simply followed what was in front of me until I had booked three network TV gigs and a national commercial within my first year. And I had planned nothing.
 
When business started to shut down in March, I noticed how fearful people had become. As time progressed I noticed the urgent attempts to locate “reliable predictions”. People wanted to know what was going to happen and when it was going to happen so they could relax and move on with their lives. But it’s the other way around, really. Fear breeds the need to control. It’s opposite is surrender. When we relax into our world instead of trying to control it, only then can we move on with our lives. We can choose to plan every moment of our lives, or we can surrender to every moment in order to live.

2019 – The End of a Decade, 2020 – The Beginning of … ?

As Creatives, we often feel the pressure of having to prove what we’ve accomplished, especially at holiday gatherings. Consider this alternative:

Instead of listing what we’ve done
(or going down that rabbit hole of what we’ve
not done), let’s reflect on what we’ve
experienced.

It is our life experiences, not our accomplishments, that make us who we are. Think about that.
Think about all the cool stuff you experienced last year – in the last decade – that has brought real impact to your life and is responsible for the awesome person you are. Look at your favorite photos. The best ones reflect experiences, not activities.

Grabbing a prize from a cereal box – one that I could play with – made me so happy.

When we look at what we want to achieve in the next decade, we can choose to either be in a state of anticipatory delight or in a state of aggressive control. Our daily routines can either be filled with aliveness or crammed with forced discipline.

Every day, I am delighted to discover new, unplanned opportunities: auditions, table reads, theatre productions, showcases, interviews, etc. Actually booking a job is just the icing on the cake!

Let’s create 2020 Goals that make us giggle at the possibilities, ones that are free of promises to “do better”. When we play with setting career goals – I’m talking full-on play – we always end up having fun.

My Precious.

At a recent audition, I entered a small waiting area, and saw only one other actress. She was standing, facing the wall with her back to the center of the tiny room. She was “getting into the zone”. I grabbed the keys to the ladies room and left. When I returned, she was still facing the wall. Suddenly it occurred to me – she was trying to “toughen her mind”. I could tell by her body language that she was trying to control her fears. In that moment, I realized,

Oh, I don’t have to do that. None of us have to do that!

I exhaled, knowing that I’d already done the work, and that’s all I needed to do. She was called into the room, and through the thin walls I could hear her mess up the first line. On her second try, she still messed it up. They gave her a redirect (I couldn’t hear what), which prompted her to improvise in her own words. It was obvious that she didn’t understand the script.

When we hold on to something too tightly, it’s bound to slip away from us. When we’re more concerned about messing up than being in the moment, we’re bound to…mess it up. Even if we don’t forget a line, we’re liable to forget context, relationship, wants  – all that stuff we spent so much time & money learning – only to end up giving just a “meh” audition.

Audition stress can be boiled down to one thing –
the result of making something too precious.

This usually happens when we’re not getting as many auditions or bookings as we’d like. We’ve put so much weight on it. It’s as if this is our only (or most important) audition, as if this is the only time an office will ever call us in. We don’t even realize we’re doing it, but the heaviness is there. And then if we hear nothing – depression sets in. Making something too precious can drive us mad. We all know what happened to Gollum.

When it was my turn to go in,

I was focused and relaxed at the same time. It was…unusual. We’ve all heard that we are the solution to casting’s problem, but at that moment, I knew it. When I was done, they were speechless. Literally, silence hung in the air as the writer, directer, producer and CD all stared at me, waiting for/ wanting me to continue, but there was no more dialogue. Finally, the director simply said, “Can you do it again?” No re-direct. I felt he just wanted to see if I could replicate was I’d just done. And I did.

#thatfeelingyougetwhenyoustunthemwithyourbrilliance.

Be an Actor in Motion.

Consider the power of being an “Actor in Motion”. There’s more to an actor’s life than just being on set. Really. When we see this, we begin to see our auditions as just… something we do. They are part of the fabric of our “working actor life”. We know that there will be more. Most importantly, we know we have an actor’s life that’s filled with behind the scenes maintenance that is fun to do, like marketing and classes. (And if it’s not fun, it’s only because we’ve already decided it doesn’t matter.)  See movies & shows, read scripts, surround yourself with fellow actors who are doing the work, not just talking about it.